I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
