apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
