Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
there is glitter all over my balls
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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