there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
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I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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