Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
