no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
