I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
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I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
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He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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