I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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