great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
