I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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