Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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