nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well I just put wine in my tea
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
