my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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