its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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