Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
