You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
