so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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