remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
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professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
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The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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