I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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