So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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