He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
