Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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