My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
