So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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