do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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