I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
