I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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