I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
