sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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