I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he told me I talked like a deaf person
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
