Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
