FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
