so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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