Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
