I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
