Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
