I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
