i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
