remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
