At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
