I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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