So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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