her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
