Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
