Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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