i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
