1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
babies were throwing up all over the place
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
