i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
