Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
