you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
