Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
