just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
