Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
