Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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