My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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