I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
