I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
