Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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