Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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