My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
